Summer

ATTENTION READERS! 

Have no fear, I am back! First off, let me apologize for not posting sooner. My summer has gone by so quickly and there are some days where I barely get any time for myself. When I do, I usually am sitting outside with a book, watching a movie, or sleeping. (It's a pretty exciting life, let me tell you.) 

As I'm sure you figured out (and are probably not surprised by), my summer has been busy. I was home for about a week after classes ended before I went on a five day trip with friends from school to the Black Hills in South Dakota. We had an absolutely wonderful time together and it was the perfect way to start off the summer. We saw basically everything that you can in Rapid City and made the most of our trip! It was so much fun to be with everyone on a road trip and I am just reminded how crazy lucky I am to have such amazing friends. Even with the bumps in the plan (getting stuck in traffic at 5 in the morning, a gloomy day ruining our kayaking, or figuring out appropriate sleeping arrangements) we all had a really great time! Next year we may go to New Orleans for a week or so and that would be a blast! I can't wait! 

Right before I left for the Black Hills, though, my grandma was in the ER. My aunt asked if I would be able to help take my grandma to her doctor's appointment and I agreed, assuming that it was only going to be a few hours in the morning. However, that was not the case as they begun to run tests on her. (Now, I need to take a step back here for a few reasons. First of all, I hate hospitals, doctors, needles, blood, really anything in that general area. So I was really uncomfortable being in the hospital because it makes me so anxious and I have been told that I tend to become very pale in hospital settings. Second of all, I don't want to bore you with all of the medical stuff because I don't know enough and I don't want to confuse anyone. Third of all, her doctor struck a chord with me and my aunt (who also came to the doctor's appointment) and the more I reflect back on him, makes me furious because I personally don't think that he knew what he was talking about and what he did tell us resulted in unnecessary panic attacks. She switched doctors, to say the least.) Grandma moved from her doctor's office to the ER to the ICU and we were at the hospital for 10 hours that day. My grandma stayed there for the next two weeks (I may be wrong about that, but it was a long time) and then she was moved to a rehab center for the next month. She has come since then and is making progress every day, but there are still obstacles. My grandpa isn't as much help as we need him to be, but some days he surprises us. We are all doing the best that we can to help them out, but there's a lot going on with them and everyone is getting worn down. (Please don't get me, I love my grandparents. I love them so very much and they have shaped me into the person I am today. Watching them struggle or not comprehend stuff is hard and it takes a toll. I just try to keep my head up and let them know how much I adore them and how thankful I am that they are a big part of my life.) 

In addition to helping out with my grandparents, I also am working a lot. I nanny during the day and then go work retail in the evenings (working about 50 hours a week). Some days are better than others, to say the least. There are days when the kiddos definitely give me a run for my money and I am very happy to be done for the day, but there are some days where I feel like I blink and it's time for me to go home. Unfortunately this means that I am hardly home, but I try my best to see my family when I can. 

I have also started running two miles a day and usually going on long walks, too. I have recently realized how important it is to exercise and how much better I feel when I go run! It honestly clears my head up and I feel so much better when I come back. I mean, there are moments when my alarm goes off and I groan, but I do it anyway. I'm not really sure why I started running, but I like to tell myself that it's good for me. (Remember, I've never been an athlete or a strong runner, so this is a big deal.) 

Oh my goodness, I'm sure that I have probably just put all of you asleep by now as you're reading my ranting or rambling. Believe me, this was not how my post was supposed to go! Oh well, I guess. On the bright side, I have read a lot of books this summer. Some of them have been AMAZING and some of them have been bleh. I'm currently looking for another book to read, so any suggestions would be appreciated. (By the way, I usually read a book every two days or so. So that kind of explains why I am in need of new stuff.) 

I hope all of you are having nice summers! Go outside and enjoy the beautiful weather (unless it is as humid as it is here, then go hide)! 

Love, 

Katie 

Where Did the Time Go?

Happy day, readers! 

First of all,  I want to apologize for not updating nearly as frequently as I would like. My life gets busy, classes become demanding, and I have to make priorities. But have no fear! I am running away from my problems (and pile of homework) to write to all of you. Don't worry, faithful readers, I am here to let you know all about my life! 

I have less than eight days until I go home for the summer. Where did my time go? It is so bizarre to me that I am almost done with my sophomore year. Last year around this time I couldn't wait to get our of college and go home for the summer. I counted down the days and desperately wanted to go home. This year I am amazed at how crazy fast it has gone. 

It hasn't been an easy year and there have been moments where I go to sleep early just to run away, but it has been really good. Moments all start to run together and I just can't believe that they all happened only this year. I feel like I have been an education major forever, that I donated my hair just yesterday (it was almost a month ago and I chopped off ten inches), that we have been counting (and taunting) our steps for months. It is so crazy to me that these moments all happened in a year. 

I feel like my time is running out with them and I try to make the most of it while I can. Sometimes I say screw it to my homework in order to go on a late night ice cream run with friends or I stay up way too late watching a movie knowing very well that I have to be up early the next morning. These are the moments that I try to make the most out of. 

When I came to college I looked at it as a four year agreement. I would come to school four hours away from my family to get an education. I would get in and get out. Sure it would a great time, but never like this. I never imagined that it would be like this. That I would fall in love with my school as much as I did. To find friends that I can't help but wonder where I would be without them. That I would have some the smartest, most genuine professors who take the time to get to know me and my life! To have an international roommate that I adore (even if she is going to write a book one day about living with me for the semester). 

Don't get me wrong: I am so excited to go home. I miss my family and my friends. I want to be able to go back to the best state ever and continue to work retail and actually drive around instead of walking or asking friends for rides. But I'm not ready either. I'm not ready to say goodbyes or to pack up and leave for the summer. I'm not ready be a junior in college. I'm not ready for the rest of my life to take off yet. 

I'm only 20 and I do have my entire life ahead of me. I am excited fro what will happen, but I am also scared for what the future holds. I'm still stunned that this year flew and can't fully wrap my head around it. So I decided to do what I do best: find some inspiration!

Have a great day, friends. And remember: enjoy this moment because it won't last forever.

Love, 

Katie 

 

Lost

Dear readers, 

Long time, no blog. It's been a rough few weeks, but in a different way. I can't quite put my finger on it, but something has really been bothering me lately. Maybe it's the emotions that I've bottled up for months and now finally have to face. Maybe it's cabin fever and the fact that I so desperately want the sun. Maybe it's the fact that change is coming. All I know is that I feel so very lost right now. 

It all really started when I went home for Spring Break. I was so excited to go home and see my family and friends, but that also had its own obstacles. My brother (jokingly) likes to tell me that I am a guest in our home because I attend school out of state. We argue back and forth about that constantly as he makes little comments about my home being in South Dakota. It's all in fun and I know my brother says it just to get under my skin, but there were moments where I didn't know where my home is...

I'm in a weird state of mind where I attend school 4 hours away and spend 8 months out of the year there, but I don't want to call it home. As much as I love my college (and I do, A LOT), it is not home for me. It is just a place that I attend to further my education. But home doesn't necessarily feel like home all the times either...Sometimes I feel like a guest who has overstayed their welcome. (Silly, right?) It just leaves me torn and wondering where my home really is...

So, that's really the start of it. Well, not really. I've been feeling off recently and have not been able to pin down what it was until now. I am very lost and trying to (somehow) figure things out. 

I have been thinking a lot about the person I was (yesterday, last week, last year, etc.) and the person I am today. The problem is that I don't really know WHO I am now...I used to plan every single minute of my life, know what I wanted to do 5 years down the road, always knew the right things to say and when, would never admit my flaws, etc. Now, I feel like a hot mess. Laugh when my life falls apart, plans (very unsuccessfully, I may add), puts my foot in my mouth religiously, curses like a sailor, and about a thousand other things. I'm not really sure who I am or who I want to be. 

I have started to reflect on my character and I'm not super thrilled with who I see. For example, I used to think that I was really friendly and easy to get along with. Recently, though, I started to think that it is not the case as I feel distant from people and somewhat unapproachable. I remember a friend telling me that I tend to believe that I know better than other people and often make decisions based on that. (Now, I just need to clarify here: I do not know what is best for others. Sure, I sometimes assume that I know better than them and will make a decision based on what I believe will benefit them the most. Honestly, I really want to help someone and that is the main reason why I make the decisions I do. That being said, I can understand why someone would say that I make decisions for others. I can't stand when someone makes my decisions for me (or tells me what to do, but that's another story all together. Bottom line: don't tell me what I can or cannot do unless I ask for your advice.).) So I kind of feel that some people assume that I hold myself higher than them. 

In addition to that, I've always been a jealous person (it's more that I'm really protective of stuff), but it's gotten ridiculous recently! Little things start to eat at me and I just get really jealous. I can be something stupid, like someone copying a hairstyle of mine, or watching others spend time with a close friend. It is so silly and I want to blame it on PMS or something, but I don't know. I just yell at myself: JEALOUSLY IS NOT ATTRACTIVE, KATHERINE! So that's been super fun and awesome.  

As you all know, I love planning. Recently, thought, every time I try to do something with the best intentions, it ends up blowing up in my face. It feels like no matter what I do, it will go wrong. I just lost it the other day because I was so upset and discouraged that I felt like a failure. And I really mean that EVERYTHING I tried to do, fell apart before my very eyes. (It all really fell apart when my friends came to spend a weekend with me for Spring Break...I had it all planned out well and then it all backfired on me and I looked like a massive idiot. Just thinking about all of the issues that arose makes me want to curl up and hide for days. Ugh!) 

Then there's the mixed feelings with my major...I don't really know if I want to be a teacher. I don't know if I have the passion that others have for it. I feel like something is really missing. When my friends talk about teaching, their eyes light up and they get so excited. I just sit back and wish I could have the same feelings. My professors tell me that I will make a great teacher and they are so excited for my future students. I don't really know what I'm doing or where I'm going. I don't know if I want to be a teacher or if I just declared a major because I was running out of time. I don't know what I'm going to do with my life. 

And I'm running a lot. I mean, I've been running 2 miles 5 days a week since January and it's going really well! But I've started running 4 or 5 (and I'm so NOT a runner either). Maybe I'm subconsciously running towards something or running away from something. I don't really know. 

Anyway, back to being lost. See, faithful readers? Hopefully you were able to get some insight into why I have been feeling so lost. Any good vibes would be greatly appreciated. 

Hope you all have a great week! 

Love, 

Katie 

You Are Loved

Dear faithful readers,

Today was a tough day and I'm trying to find the words to express my thoughts. I've had a few hours to process everything and my thoughts have slowed down, but there's a part of me that still feels empty and confused.

I found out that a close friend of mine (an even closer friend to my brother) attempted suicide this past week. Even writing this makes my stomach churn and I feel tears beginning to sting. I don't want to go into detail (and I won't because it is not my information to tell), but it makes my heart hurt. This was his second attempt (that I know of) and I'm thanking God that he was found before he followed through. I desperately want to hug him and hold him close and remind him how loved he is.

This year I've had more friends tell me that they have depression or that their anxiety is out of control. I've read their texts or Facebook posts as cries for help. I feel absolutely helpless and I want to make it better, but I don't know how. I find myself Googling "how to talk to someone with depression" or "how to help someone who is suicidal" or "suicide warning signs". I keep telling myself that this doesn't change anything and that our relationship is still the same, but there's a part of me that is hesitant and I become more watchful. It's the protective side in me that makes me worry about them and want to take their burden, but I know it's not possible.

I'm watching someone that I love take on this battle and I want to scream. I want to grab their demon by its collar, slam it into the wall, and look it in the eyes as I tell it, "Come at me. I dare you." (I know that this is probably a funny visual for you to think about, but that's how I view suicide: a demon. A demon that I have fought before. A demon that nearly won. A demon that I am not afraid of anymore.) I want to take on this fight for them and let this demon know that they will not succeed. I want to yell for it to back off and come back for me instead.

Last year when one of my high school classmates committed suicide I remember trying to make sense of what happened. I'm not sure how much I told all of you about my own battles with depression/suicide, but they happened. There was a time when I wanted to give in and couldn't do it anymore, but somehowI overcame it. It wasn't nearly as serious as I'm making it out to be, but it was a concern. And every day I am reminded about why I am still here and I think about the impact that it would have made on so many people that I love. My demons are still in the back of my head, but they are behind a locked door and I hardly ever hear them.

My brother was the one that mentioned that our friend was in the hospital. At first he told me that they weren't hanging out today and I assumed that he bailed on my brother (they recently experienced a bump in their friendship and I assumed that things were still a little tense between them), but he said that he was back in the hospital and didn't know why. My mother was the one who told me what was going on. She didn't say suicide, but I didn't need her to put the pieces together for me. She made the comment that it must not have been planned for very long because they had plans today, but I was the one who told her that people carry on with their normal lives and don't act any different. They make plans so things seem normal and  no one will suspect anything. This is what this demon does.

As we've established through previous blogs, I'm emotional and I cry probably more than I should, but I tried to keep it together. My mom was the one who choked up and struggled for the words as she told me that she didn't know how to tell my brother what was really happening. I met our friend during my senior year of high school in a random elective. The class was filled with a bunch of my friends and I and a fair amount of underclassmen. He is a year older than my brother, but the moment I met him, I knew that they were going to become best friends. We got along well, but my brother and him got along better. Soon I was texting his mom and our families developed a strong friendship. We often refer to them as just another extension of our family.

Learning about what he was going through shook me and everyone that knew about it. I thought back to my own struggles and I want to get rid of this demon. Not just for him, but for everyone. I want to tell it to come back for me instead because I've faced it before and I will do it again. (My dad told me that I have this belief that I think I'm tougher than I actually am, but I know that it's different for this.) I don't want him or anyone to face this demon every again. I want it gone.I'm so thankful that he is going to be okay and I am honestly thanking God for being there, but it is still so scary when I think about it.

So, friends, remember that you are loved. Please read that again and again. Tell everyone you know that they are all loved. And, please, if you need help, get it. There are resources available.

Love,

Katie

Making the Most of It

Hello faithful readers!

I'm sure that you all have been anxiously checking my blog and have been wondering what I have been up to this month. Well, let me tell you: Dateline. (Not kidding either. I have watched a lot of Dateline: Real Life Mysteries. Probably a little too much, not going to lie. But that's besides the point.) Anyway, I hope that all of you are doing well and had a good month as well and are looking forward to the weekend. I am home for the weekend (yay!) for some much needed rest and family time (granted no one is home right now so my "family time" is nonexistent).

I always look forward to going home for breaks and it is always nice to leave campus for a little bit and go back to my comfort zone for a while. Leaving school and my friends is a challenge, but for a whole heck of reasons. I mean, you all know that I hate goodbyes and I struggle with them for so many reasons. Goodbyes are weird...Last year I always looked forward to going home and couldn't wait to leave campus (not because I didn't like school, but because I missed my family). But this year it's very different. I want to go home and see my family, but I miss my friends. I have a life back home, but a life at school, too. I feel torn.

A part of my heart is left at school--even if it's only for a short period of time. But I miss my friends. I spend so much of my time with these people that it's weird to be without them (like, I eat all three meals with them, do our homework together, work out together, basically everything). I have realized how short my time at college is (which is kind of funny because 4 years seems like a long time, but it's really not) and I want to make the most of it. I have been blessed with absolutely incredible friends who make me laugh until I cry, pick me up when I fall, offer kind words when I need it most, and participate in my crazy ideas. I want to make sure that I make the most of it and spend as much time as I can with them before we all go our separate ways after graduation.

Then, however, I come home and realize how much I miss it. I miss sleeping in my own bed, being able to hug my family whenever I want, visiting my grandparents and aunt fairly often (but never often enough), driving! Things that I have taken for granted for so many years. It's more than the simple things I miss, I also miss out on a lot when I am at school, too. I miss my sister's band concerts or my brother's speech tournaments or family outings.

I'm trying to make the most of my time both at home and at school and not think too much about it. I know that I will always leave a part of my heart wherever I go (I have a big heart, so that's bound to happen). That has been happening for years, though, and I also leave a little bit of my heart behind (Chicago, Milwaukee, New Orleans, and Detroit). It's just different when I go back and forth between home and school. I remind myself to enjoy the present and focus on what is going on right then; of course, this is easier said than done.

It's a work in progress, to say the least. I'm making an effort not to take for granted my time with either my family or my friends. It's a balancing act, but it's okay. I just have to make the most of it.

Love,

Katie

Peace Out, 2015

Happy New Year, my lovely readers!

I hope that all of you are enjoying your final few hours of 2015. It's crazy to think how fast the year has gone! I know that I say that every year, but it always catches me off guard. When I finally get comfortable with the year, it's suddenly over. I'd like to say that with the new year, I'm a year older and a year wiser, but let's be honest, that's not always accurate. (Thar was a poor attempt at humor, friends. Laugh so I don't feel awkward. (And let's be honest again, I'm awkward no matter what, so laughing won't help any.))

2015 was an exciting year, to say the least. It was filled with laughter, tears, heat break, optimistic enthusiasm, late night conversations, big decisions, so much work, a lot of inspirational quotes, inside jokes, a leap of faith every here and there, determination, unforeseen challenges, positivity, new friends, and so many wonderful memories. For every up, there was a down. For every tear, there was laughter.

I saw a picture on Facebook that said something along the lines: "I think we can all agree that 2015 tried to kill us all." It made me laugh because it was ridiculous, but also kind of true. I didn't think it was a bad year, actually, but it wasn't a good year 100% of the time either. Overall I thought it was pretty good, but it had its own challenges.

As I reflect back on it, I don't even know where to begin! I have so many fond memories of 2015 that they outweigh the sour or darker memories. I was still adjusting to college and classes, but found a solid group of friends that helped make it easier. (I am always so thankful to have them in my life and I don't know what I would do without them. They have become such big parts in my life and they are always included when we talk about the future.)

My anxiety became too overwhelming and I ended up falling into a similar darkness that I had experienced about two years earlier. I went to counseling as a way to help deal with my self diagnosed anxiety and (possibly seasonal) depression. I learned a lot about myself and tried to help figure things out. (Especially about my twisted idea about time.) It was a struggle, to say the least, but it did help in its own way.

I brought friends home from college and they spent two weekends in the best state ever (Minnesota, in case you all forgot). Both weekends were super fun as we showed my friends around and we can't wait to do it again this year! Again, my friends at school are absolutely amazing. They push me to be a better person and I am so grateful.

I went back home for the summer and managed two jobs whole trying to see friends. I worked at an extremely intense summer job that (fingers crossed) I won't go back to and had another retail job that is a lot of fun. I also saw One Direction in concert and they were absolutely amazing. (No, we're not going to talking about their upcoming break or the fact that Zayn left the band. Just let me be happy that I saw them in concert.)

I was an orientation leader for incoming freshmen at school with one of my best friends, He and I both had an absolutely incredible experience. It brought us so much joy and was extremely fulfilling. Our groupies/freshmen were extremely independent, but they quickly became friends. I also finally declared my major, woot-woot! As scary as it is, I'm going to be a teacher. I still have mixed feelings about it,

I also spent a lot of time with family and friends, but not nearly enough as I would like. I've grown up with a strong emphasis placed on family, so it's weird missing out on so much. We are always there for one another, so it's challenging not being close. We support each other through the good and the bad, especially during the past few days when we said goodbye to our family dog. He had been suffering for a while and his health had declined rapidly, but he was just miserable. It was heartbreaking to watch him suffer and trust me when I say that there were a lot of tears. Maybe one of these days I'll talk about it, but not right now. Just know that his passing absolutely broke my heart and I feel empty.

All in all, it wasn't a bad year. I actually really enjoyed it and had a lot of memories. And, because I'm Katie, here is some inspiration to help lead us into the new year.

Love,

Katie

Change

Hello all!

Happy Saturday and early Christmas! Hopefully you have some snow on the ground (we don't) and hopefully you are done with your Christmas shopping (which I haven't even started yet). However, Christmas is more than simply snow and presents, it's a time to be with family and celebrate the birth of Jesus (unless you're not religious, then never mind). So whatever your plans may be for the upcoming week, I hope that you all have a wonderful day.

As the semester ends and I'm back home (yay!), I have to readjust and experience change (of course, this change isn't nearly as tough because I've grown accustomed to it). Change is always a challenge for me--as it is for a lot of people. Change is one of those things that I need to process in advance (although it'll never be soon enough) or I'll need to initiate it in order for me to be comfortable with it; otherwise, I get really anxious and start to freak out over a billion (and unrealistic) possibilities. When things are set or there is a routine, I don't like them to change. I like to know what is going to happen or what to expect (not all the time, but a fair amount), that way I can go in with the right mindset. I do enjoy surprises (most of the time), but I don't like change.

Maybe it's because I like being in control (shocker!) and I like to plan everything (I know, you're surprised again) that I struggle with change. I don't like that it throws a kink in my plans or that I need to change previous set plans/goals. I feel like everything is going to change and usually for the worst (which is ironic because I'm such a positive and optimistic person (well, maybe you don't think it's ironic, imaginary readers, but I do)). I'm not sure why I associate change with negativity, but it probably has to do with my intense need to plan/control my life.

And when there is a change, my heart usually starts pounding into my chest and I will probably go get some air or get some exercise. It's usually the big changes that result in me freaking out: a change in living arrangements, change in routine, change within groups, etc. Or I'll do my classic response: avoid it for as long as possible until I am forced to face it. (I don't encourage anyone to do that, but if you do, take up running. It's great for your health.)

I like tradition. I like being able to know what will happen in the future and what to expect. So when I don't know what to expect and am not comfortable, that's when I start to freak out. Here's the thing, though, I like parts of change. The parts that I can control. I like experiencing new things or trying something new, but I definitely like keeping things the same.

Change isn't bad. Change is actually really good and much needed! Change helps us grow as people because we experience new things and learn! People change, environment changes, classes change, traditions change, everything changes! It's part of life! And it's okay.

But, right now, as I panic and have about a billion irrational thoughts run through my head, I'm going to go on a walk and breath. Get some (chilly) air, stretch my legs, continue to freak out, and then I'll feel better. I know that change is a key component in life and it's going to be okay, but I'll still be really anxious for a while.

Have a wonderful weekend, all!

Love,

Katie