Today was a tough day and I'm trying to find the words to express my thoughts. I've had a few hours to process everything and my thoughts have slowed down, but there's a part of me that still feels empty and confused.
I found out that a close friend of mine (an even closer friend to my brother) attempted suicide this past week. Even writing this makes my stomach churn and I feel tears beginning to sting. I don't want to go into detail (and I won't because it is not my information to tell), but it makes my heart hurt. This was his second attempt (that I know of) and I'm thanking God that he was found before he followed through. I desperately want to hug him and hold him close and remind him how loved he is.
This year I've had more friends tell me that they have depression or that their anxiety is out of control. I've read their texts or Facebook posts as cries for help. I feel absolutely helpless and I want to make it better, but I don't know how. I find myself Googling "how to talk to someone with depression" or "how to help someone who is suicidal" or "suicide warning signs". I keep telling myself that this doesn't change anything and that our relationship is still the same, but there's a part of me that is hesitant and I become more watchful. It's the protective side in me that makes me worry about them and want to take their burden, but I know it's not possible.
I'm watching someone that I love take on this battle and I want to scream. I want to grab their demon by its collar, slam it into the wall, and look it in the eyes as I tell it, "Come at me. I dare you." (I know that this is probably a funny visual for you to think about, but that's how I view suicide: a demon. A demon that I have fought before. A demon that nearly won. A demon that I am not afraid of anymore.) I want to take on this fight for them and let this demon know that they will not succeed. I want to yell for it to back off and come back for me instead.
Last year when one of my high school classmates committed suicide I remember trying to make sense of what happened. I'm not sure how much I told all of you about my own battles with depression/suicide, but they happened. There was a time when I wanted to give in and couldn't do it anymore, but somehowI overcame it. It wasn't nearly as serious as I'm making it out to be, but it was a concern. And every day I am reminded about why I am still here and I think about the impact that it would have made on so many people that I love. My demons are still in the back of my head, but they are behind a locked door and I hardly ever hear them.
My brother was the one that mentioned that our friend was in the hospital. At first he told me that they weren't hanging out today and I assumed that he bailed on my brother (they recently experienced a bump in their friendship and I assumed that things were still a little tense between them), but he said that he was back in the hospital and didn't know why. My mother was the one who told me what was going on. She didn't say suicide, but I didn't need her to put the pieces together for me. She made the comment that it must not have been planned for very long because they had plans today, but I was the one who told her that people carry on with their normal lives and don't act any different. They make plans so things seem normal and no one will suspect anything. This is what this demon does.
As we've established through previous blogs, I'm emotional and I cry probably more than I should, but I tried to keep it together. My mom was the one who choked up and struggled for the words as she told me that she didn't know how to tell my brother what was really happening. I met our friend during my senior year of high school in a random elective. The class was filled with a bunch of my friends and I and a fair amount of underclassmen. He is a year older than my brother, but the moment I met him, I knew that they were going to become best friends. We got along well, but my brother and him got along better. Soon I was texting his mom and our families developed a strong friendship. We often refer to them as just another extension of our family.
Learning about what he was going through shook me and everyone that knew about it. I thought back to my own struggles and I want to get rid of this demon. Not just for him, but for everyone. I want to tell it to come back for me instead because I've faced it before and I will do it again. (My dad told me that I have this belief that I think I'm tougher than I actually am, but I know that it's different for this.) I don't want him or anyone to face this demon every again. I want it gone.I'm so thankful that he is going to be okay and I am honestly thanking God for being there, but it is still so scary when I think about it.
So, friends, remember that you are loved. Please read that again and again. Tell everyone you know that they are all loved. And, please, if you need help, get it. There are resources available.
Love,
Katie
No comments :
Post a Comment