Lost

Dear readers, 

Long time, no blog. It's been a rough few weeks, but in a different way. I can't quite put my finger on it, but something has really been bothering me lately. Maybe it's the emotions that I've bottled up for months and now finally have to face. Maybe it's cabin fever and the fact that I so desperately want the sun. Maybe it's the fact that change is coming. All I know is that I feel so very lost right now. 

It all really started when I went home for Spring Break. I was so excited to go home and see my family and friends, but that also had its own obstacles. My brother (jokingly) likes to tell me that I am a guest in our home because I attend school out of state. We argue back and forth about that constantly as he makes little comments about my home being in South Dakota. It's all in fun and I know my brother says it just to get under my skin, but there were moments where I didn't know where my home is...

I'm in a weird state of mind where I attend school 4 hours away and spend 8 months out of the year there, but I don't want to call it home. As much as I love my college (and I do, A LOT), it is not home for me. It is just a place that I attend to further my education. But home doesn't necessarily feel like home all the times either...Sometimes I feel like a guest who has overstayed their welcome. (Silly, right?) It just leaves me torn and wondering where my home really is...

So, that's really the start of it. Well, not really. I've been feeling off recently and have not been able to pin down what it was until now. I am very lost and trying to (somehow) figure things out. 

I have been thinking a lot about the person I was (yesterday, last week, last year, etc.) and the person I am today. The problem is that I don't really know WHO I am now...I used to plan every single minute of my life, know what I wanted to do 5 years down the road, always knew the right things to say and when, would never admit my flaws, etc. Now, I feel like a hot mess. Laugh when my life falls apart, plans (very unsuccessfully, I may add), puts my foot in my mouth religiously, curses like a sailor, and about a thousand other things. I'm not really sure who I am or who I want to be. 

I have started to reflect on my character and I'm not super thrilled with who I see. For example, I used to think that I was really friendly and easy to get along with. Recently, though, I started to think that it is not the case as I feel distant from people and somewhat unapproachable. I remember a friend telling me that I tend to believe that I know better than other people and often make decisions based on that. (Now, I just need to clarify here: I do not know what is best for others. Sure, I sometimes assume that I know better than them and will make a decision based on what I believe will benefit them the most. Honestly, I really want to help someone and that is the main reason why I make the decisions I do. That being said, I can understand why someone would say that I make decisions for others. I can't stand when someone makes my decisions for me (or tells me what to do, but that's another story all together. Bottom line: don't tell me what I can or cannot do unless I ask for your advice.).) So I kind of feel that some people assume that I hold myself higher than them. 

In addition to that, I've always been a jealous person (it's more that I'm really protective of stuff), but it's gotten ridiculous recently! Little things start to eat at me and I just get really jealous. I can be something stupid, like someone copying a hairstyle of mine, or watching others spend time with a close friend. It is so silly and I want to blame it on PMS or something, but I don't know. I just yell at myself: JEALOUSLY IS NOT ATTRACTIVE, KATHERINE! So that's been super fun and awesome.  

As you all know, I love planning. Recently, thought, every time I try to do something with the best intentions, it ends up blowing up in my face. It feels like no matter what I do, it will go wrong. I just lost it the other day because I was so upset and discouraged that I felt like a failure. And I really mean that EVERYTHING I tried to do, fell apart before my very eyes. (It all really fell apart when my friends came to spend a weekend with me for Spring Break...I had it all planned out well and then it all backfired on me and I looked like a massive idiot. Just thinking about all of the issues that arose makes me want to curl up and hide for days. Ugh!) 

Then there's the mixed feelings with my major...I don't really know if I want to be a teacher. I don't know if I have the passion that others have for it. I feel like something is really missing. When my friends talk about teaching, their eyes light up and they get so excited. I just sit back and wish I could have the same feelings. My professors tell me that I will make a great teacher and they are so excited for my future students. I don't really know what I'm doing or where I'm going. I don't know if I want to be a teacher or if I just declared a major because I was running out of time. I don't know what I'm going to do with my life. 

And I'm running a lot. I mean, I've been running 2 miles 5 days a week since January and it's going really well! But I've started running 4 or 5 (and I'm so NOT a runner either). Maybe I'm subconsciously running towards something or running away from something. I don't really know. 

Anyway, back to being lost. See, faithful readers? Hopefully you were able to get some insight into why I have been feeling so lost. Any good vibes would be greatly appreciated. 

Hope you all have a great week! 

Love, 

Katie