Decisions Are Made

Hello friends!

Happy day to all of you! As you probably predicted, I am going to talk about this absolutely perfect autumn weather! It is fantastic, people, and just a gift overall! The leaves are changing, the sun is out, apples are everywhere! I LOVE IT! And I got to go apple picking this weekend and that was a blast! (Honeycrisp apples are the best apples ever.) So go out and enjoy the weather and love autumn because I do!

On a more serious note, I did it. I finally declared. (Please hold your celebration and massive partying until the end.) You're looking at a recently declared education major. And that's honestly terrifying.

I have so many mixed thoughts and feelings now that I've declared (only one other person knows about it) and I can't help by wonder if I made the right decision...(Also, I slightly afraid that if I commit to something (especially when it's not wholeheartedly) that I will fail miserably. Or that I am limiting my other options and going down the wrong path (in case anyone forgot, I am the girl with a plan that does not like anything spontaneous or unplanned to happen that could throw me off my plan (and yes, I do know that that is not necessarily the right way to live a life)).

I've never felt called to be a teacher. Heck, I've had a love-hate relationship with school for as long as I can remember! I'm socially awkward, a hardcore rule-follower, I always do my homework on time, and I'm wound just a little too tight. Now I'm expected to be a successful teacher and influence students?! Yikes.

Just thinking about being a teacher makes my heart race and my mouth dry. What am I thinking?! I've been saying for years "If I ever become a teacher..." and I've been analyzing my own teachers and what works best in the classroom, so I guess it kind of makes sense. But I'm not sure if I can do it. I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to handle and take on this role. I worked with kids this past summer and it was so stressful and extremely intense. I dealt with kids with a wide range of behavioral stuff and it definitely pushed my buttons. There were moments when I handled things not as well as I should've or moments that I snapped and gave them consequences because I was frustrated. It wasn't right and if I could re-do some of those moments, I would. And now I'm worried about what I may do if I were to become a teacher because I don't want to deal with some of those situations again.

Plus, I've seen awful students. The students that have no respect for their teacher and don't want to be there--and they let the teacher know that. (I'm really good friends with a handful of this type of students and the thought of having them in my classroom makes me cringe.) How am I (the person who has a strict plan, never ever breaks the rules, and always obeys the teacher) going to handle these kids without them breaking me? I have no idea.

So I have a thousand different thoughts and fears in my head as I'm trying to make sense of this and decide if I can be a teacher. (Oh yeah, plus I have the fear of finding a job in less than 3 years and that makes my head hurt even more.)

For one of my classes for the education major, I'm currently doing practicum in a middle school classroom. I actually really like it! The teacher that I'm with is absolutely phenomenal and she is a joy! Her students crack me up and are full of life and questions. (Although there are a few that tend to cause a little more trouble...)I'm still trying to find where I fit into the classroom without feeling like I'm stepping on her toes. But it's going really well so far and I'm super glad, even though I was somewhat hesitant at first.

I have some moments where I feel like, "I can do this! Bring on the world!" And I feel like a teacher. And then I have moments where I'm like, "Nope. Absolutely not. I can't do this." (There's really no in-between.) I have to remind myself that not everyone is like me (which is probably for the best some days) and that everyone learns differently and not every single student will follow the directions, listen all of the time, or respect the teacher. It's just going to be a challenge.

As of right now, I'm gonna keep my education major. I don't know if I'll end up in the classroom. Maybe I'll work in a non-profit. Maybe I'll work in a foreign country. Maybe I'll be jobless for my entire life. (Just kidding, that's not going to happen because I love my retail job.) Who knows? I'm still uneasy about the thought of it (and the entire future), but we shall see.

Have a fantastic day!

Love,

Katie

It's Monday

Good morning (or afternoon/evening, depending on when you read this), lovely (and possibly nonexistent) readers and happy Monday!

I'm in an anxious mood right now with about a thousand thoughts running through my head, which is actually fairly normal for me. I'm thinking about my schedule for the day and trying to plan out each and every minute, avoiding my homework and hoping that it will all go away, wondering how it is already October, desperately wishing for a cup of hot apple cider, reflecting back on a super good movie that I saw this weekend (it was The Intern and I highly encourage all of you to see it because you will laugh, gasp, cry, possibly curse, and do everything in between (I mean, it was absolutely incredible and had so many layers to the plot, great casting, and just enjoyable all around! Go see it, people! It is absolutely phenomenal!)), thinking about classes, missing my family, and about a billion other thoughts running back and forth.

It's not bad, though! I've realized recently that I'm in this state of not knowing what I'm doing, but that I'm perfectly okay with it. I don't have a plan (just kidding. I'm Katie, I always have a plan.), but I'm actually really comfortable with not having it as structured or planned as I want. I'm trusting that everything will all work and accepting that I can't plan for anything because life has a mind of its own. I keep saying that life is a funny thing because it's true! As much as I want a road map of my life with step-by-step directions and in-depth details, I need to accept that I physically can't plan for it and have to take what comes to me (both the good and the bad).

When I think that I have at least something figured out, a monkey wrench is thrown into the situation and I have to figure out what to do. Again, it's not all bad! A lot of it is actually good(ish). I saw a quote once that said, "Challenges are what makes life interesting. Overcoming them is what makes meaningful." And I absolutely love that quote because it is so accurate and just a nice reminder.

Here we are in this beautiful, messy, complicated world and it's incredible to really think about that. There is so much out in this world, so many people that we have not met, so much that we don't know, and it just leaves you in awe to think about it. And although I still have a plan in the back of my head, I know that I'm going to have to be flexible and accept that it is not written in stone. There are going to be moments that I want to re-live over and over again or moments that I need to forget, but they are going to be part of the plan one way or another.

(Warning: I'm going to get a little preachy right now, so if you want to skip over this section, go ahead.) And I think a reason that I am so comfortable with this idea of not knowing what my future holds or having a strict plan is because I trust God. (I warned you.) I've grown a lot more comfortable with my faith and know that He loves me way more than I deserve sometimes and that He is not going to abandon me. One of my favorite verses is Jeremiah 29:11 and it just comforting to know that it will all be okay in the end.

And now I'm brought back into reality with my pile of homework still visible,  new thoughts and realizations racing around, plans for the rest  of the day, and then some, but I know that it's all going to be okay.

Love,

Katie

P.S. Ya know what this post needs?! Inspiration!

Taking a Risk

Hellooooooooooooooooooooo, viewerssssssssssssssssssssss!!!!!!!!

I figured my greeting could be spiced up a little bit. How are you all on this fine Sunday? As I mentioned previously, autumn is in the air! And it makes me so happy. I hope that all of you guys are taking advantage of the lovely weather and drinking lots of hot apple cider for me.

Anyway, I don't have a lot of time today, but I just wanted to let you all know that I did something WAY out of my comfort zone (granted it was a calculated idea, but nonetheless). I was reflecting on my life recently and felt that I needed to leave my safety bubble and do something a little more risky (within reason, of course). Last time I did something like that was when I cut off 10 inches of my hair and donated it, but that was years ago. (And because I'm me, all of my "risky decisions" aren't actually risky and they are something that I've been thinking about for a few years.)

Then I started thinking about fear and how some of my stupid fears take so much control over my life. And I wanted to conquer one of those fears, just laugh in its face, and show that it doesn't have any more power over me. So I did. I got my ears pierced. (Okay, just a friendly reminder to all of you: I am EXTREMELY afraid of needles. Even thinking of them will throw me into a state of panic and I become irrational and freak out. So the fact that I WILLINGLY had needles put into my ears is kind of a big deal (Yes, I know that it's not even a needle, but c'mon, give me so credit!).)

I've been thinking about getting them done since I was about 10, but I kept pushing it off later and later. My friends tried to get me to do it after prom my senior year, but the morning of, I had a huge panic attack, freaked out hard core, and bailed last minute. So, being almost 20 (that is absolutely terrifying to think about), I decided to do it. It was rebellious (not really) and spontaneous (sort of).

I'm actually still in shock that I decided to do this. It's something that I normally wouldn't do, but I did. And I'm kind of patting myself on the back because I decided to leave my comfort zone and do something different (or I'm looking in the mirror thinking, "Oh my, what did I do?!").

It's kind of crazy for me to think about. I can't believe that I actually did it, but I'm also curious as to what I'll do next. Who knows, maybe I'll get a tattoo! (Just kidding, that's absolutely crazy to do right now. I'd probably have a heart attack the minute I started driving there.) My dear viewers, I have one suggestion for all of you for this week, month, or rest of the year: take a (calculated) risk and do something new! You never know what may happen.

Love,

Katie

Why So Serious?

Hi, gorgeous (and possibly imaginary) people that read my blog!

I hope that all of you are doing fairly well and have been enjoying the lovely weather! (Ya know what I noticed? I talk about the weather a lot...Like, noticeably a lot. But, to my defense, I'm Minnesotan and the weather is kind of a big conversation topic, so...) Fall is my favorite season because it's still super nice outside, the leaves are changing, pumpkin flavored everything, sweaters, hot apple cider, all that fun stuff.

I have about a billion blog ideas bouncing around in my head and I'm trying to determine which one I want to share with you today. (Of course, you need to be prepared for the idea to not come off as effortless or smooth as one would hope.) Some of my ideas need more work and time that I simply don't have, so instead I'm going to write about a characteristic that I have and why I've been thinking about it so often recently.

All righty, here it goes: I'm a serious person. I struggle to let myself relax and take a deep breath and have fun. I struggle accepting my mistakes and reminding myself that the world will not end if blank does or doesn't happen. I find that when I'm doing a project for a class or something that I tend to direct the conversation to the project and don't give time to laugh or have things flow in a different direction. And even at work! I currently started a new job at school and it is extremely relaxed, which is super weird after coming from a high stress summer job. I'm struggling trying to loosen up and accept that there doesn't need to be a certain and specific way to do something and that if it happens, it happens. It's so bizarre! It's not that I'm not enjoying my job or that I'm not having fun, but that I'm so concerned and focus on doing it RIGHT that I forget that it's okay for a job to be low-key.

And then I struggle with being too serious with people, too. When I meet people, I (like everybody else) put on my best face and make things comfortable (or something close to it) and build a relationship of some sort with them. It doesn't take long, however, for me to become serious and get focused on the task.

It's hard for me to joke around and kid with other people, too. Especially if I'm still building a relationship with them. It's hard for me to loosen up and joke. (Plus I'm SUPER awkward with people, so yay for that.) And even if I try to joke with someone, it feels forced or awkward...

I'm trying to understand when I became so serious. All I can think of is that it's simply genetics and how I was raised. My parents (who you will learn more about in future blogs) are pretty awesome and even though we've definitely had our disagreements, I'm really lucky to have them. They're both relaxed and are (fairly) go with the flow, but there is an underlying tone of seriousness. It's more common with my dad, but I know it's with my mom, too. It's not necessarily bad or hurtful, but a mindset of what is expected of me. (I always feel like when I talk negatively about someone that it means they're a bad person, but they're not! My parents are fantastic people and I am so thankful to have them, but they have pushed me to work hard and succeed. And they have also reminded me to have fun, too! My father's favorite phrase is: "All work and no play makes Katie a dull girl.") Or maybe because I'm the oldest child and I always took on the responsibility and have kept that mentality ever since. Either way, it kinda sucks being serious all the time and it sucks not being able to turn it off.

However, when I do get comfortable with people and we have a really solid relationships, then it's fine and then I'm not so serious (well, at least I hope so). I know it's just one of my (numerous and very odd and kind of twisted) quirks, but it's me. It's something I can't change, only accept and work with. It's just something that I have been thinking a lot about recently and have been wondering more about it.

Have a great week!

Love,

Katie

Life's a Funny Thing

Happy Thursday!

Guess what, friends? It is BEAUTIFUL outside! Sunny, hot, humid (not a fan (I made a joke, did someone else get that?!)), and absolutely lovely. So, being Katie, I sat outside and did my homework at my picnic table. (Yes, I do have a picnic table that I have claimed because it's in a perfect spot and I love it.) Of course, being Katie, I got burned, but it was so worth it! And who doesn't love embarrassing and awkward tan lines?! 

This post was going to be about negativity, but I'm in a really good mood, so instead we're gonna do a reflection about how crazy life is/the last year. I was nervous and anxious about returning back to school after being gone for a while and it brought back a lot of stress. After being back on campus and beginning training for orientation, I realized how silly those fears were. 

Training for orientation was incredible. (Okay, minus all of the meetings and seminars that we had in preparation for it...)  The other orientation leaders were so open and friendly and there were so many relationships that were built and others that were deepened. I had the opportunity to build relationships with people that I would not have otherwise. One of the greatest parts of it were the meals. There were only about 60 students training for orientation and we all ate together. It wasn't weird to sit down at a table with people who weren't your closest friends. It felt natural! The community that we built within that week is astonishing. Or we would hang out in between meetings and just laugh and it'd be like we've all been friends for a lifetime. And they are so supportive! I don't even know how many times I would find one of them during orientation and ask for advice or check in and they would provide so much comfort. I'm so thankful for the community and friendship that we built. Crazy.

But the crazier thing is that I can't believe how much a year can make a difference. The person that I was a year ago is not the person I am today-which is both good and bad. A year ago, I was a girl who desperately wanted to go home, questioned her decision to leave her comfort zone, struggled with the adjustment, and found college was not what she had expected. But now, things have drastically changed. I feel so much more comfortable at school and have wonderful friends and I love every (okay, MOST) moment of it. 

When I would talk about my school with my friends or family, I often found myself putting on a mask and telling people that everything was great. And it was-just not what I wanted and expected. And I resisted from really loving and experiencing it. I think part of the reason was because I have a home, wonderful family and friends, and my entire life back in Minnesota and it was hard to accept that I could be happy without all of that. 

I do love my school, and I did love it a lot last year, but I did struggle a lot with it. I constantly compared it to my high school and I missed my comfort zone. I missed the familiarity. Last year was everything that I could have hoped for don't get me wrong, but it was a roller coaster. I would love to re-live (notice that I didn't say re-do) my freshman year because it was a lot of fun. But I know that this year (and the following years) is going to be even more incredible. 

Anyway, when I came back to campus, there was a switch. Well, more of an acceptance. I accepted, actually, I allowed myself to truly love my school for all of its quirks and challenges. I love the campus, the professors, and the community. I am proud of my school and the people that attend it. And I realized that I had changed so much as a person. 

So, life's a funny thing. One minute you can be prepared to write a post about negativity and the next you are in the basement with some of your very best friends doing homework and having a grand time. I don't know what's gonna happen next. I don't know what new adventure awaits or what challenges are in store. All I know is that I have grown so much as a person in the past year and I'm so thankful for it. 

Hope you all have a great day and enjoyed another choppy (and fairly distracted) post. 

Love, 

Katie 

Bittersweet Feelings and Goodbyes

Hi friends!

Who can believe that summer is almost over?! I can't believe how fast it went. (I mean, it always go fast, don't get me wrong, but this summer it felt like it went by even faster. (Which makes me wonder if life is just going faster and faster because I still can't wrap my head around the fact that I turn 20 in a few months and that I'm a college sophomore. I mean, seriously! Where has the time gone?!)) The good news, though, is that I was able to be outside in the sun a lot and that made me super happy. Today, though, it's rainy and a little chilly, but perfect movie watching and book reading weather. (In case anyone is curious-which I'm sure you are-I'm watching The Lion King, a personal favorite.)

On a different note, I go back to school this weekend; which is bittersweet. I love my school and I have wonderful friends, but I'm still undeclared (I know, I know, I need to declare something asap). I'm helping out with Welcome Week/Orientation and my partner is one of my closet friends at school, so that's going to be a lot of fun. I love all of the opportunities that are offered at school and there is so much to do, but I love home and everything that it has. College is a lot of fun with the freedom and the events offered, but I have mixed feelings about my classes and I'm not really sure what lies ahead (there were some high tensions and unnecessary drama at the end of last year)...

I know that this semester is going to be different than last year for a lot of reasons, but I still hope that things are going to be the same. I have a year of college under my belt, so I know what to expect, but I know that things are going to be different (new dorm, new schedule, etc.). I'm looking forward to it, but I'm still a little anxious.

Plus, there are a whole heck of a lot of goodbyes (and I hate goodbyes). I'm saying goodbye to a lot of my friends and trying to spend time with them, but there are a lot of goodbyes. And then I have to say goodbye to my family, which is probably one of the hardest goodbyes. It's among the goodbyes to my grandparents and aunt that I begin to freak out because I feel like I should've spent more time with them and then I kick myself for being selfish and not going out to lunch with them or stopping by for an hour or so. My heart begins to pound into my chest and I try not to burst into tears (again, people, I am extremely emotional sometimes) because I don't want to say goodbyes and I don't want to leave them. I love my college and am looking forward to going back, but I also love my life back at home and don't want to leave either.

When you're raised in an environment where family is emphasized as one of the most important and valuable things in your life, it's hard to pack up and leave, even though you have to do what's best for you. I have been so lucky to have a wonderful, loving family that extends beyond my parents and siblings. I've built such a strong relationship with them and they have always been some of my biggest supporters in my life and I have no idea how I would've survived without them. But that makes it so hard to leave them back home while I choose to go back to school in a different state.

Today, for example, I went out to lunch with my aunt and as we were eating, I begin to realize that I'm leaving soon and won't see her until October. I realized that I should've called her more, taken her out to dinner more, gone to the pool with her, etc. And as we hugged goodbye, I wanted to cry because I didn't realize how many times I missed an opportunity to spend time with her. Same thing with my grandparents as I said goodbye to them last night. (I'm trying to find time to see them again this week (same with my aunt) before I leave. But I don't know yet...)

Which brings me back to my Tuesday afternoon watching The Lion King and a whole lot of mixed emotions as I'm trying to enjoy my final week at home. I know that everything is going to be okay, but, right now, it's just hard to leave.

Thanks for reading my blog, friends. You guys are awesome.

Love,

Katie

P.S. And because I am now become a teary-eyed mess, I saw this on Pinterest and knew that I needed to post it because it's perfect and is a wonderful reminder as I leave my family.

Drowning

Hello to all of my lovely followers!

I'm so sorry for not updating sooner...Life has gotten, er, complicated and overwhelming. Also, it is summer outside and if you know me fairly well (which I'm assuming all of you do because you read this awesome blog on a somewhat frequent basis), then you know that I'm most likely reading a book outside in the sun. Unfortunately, I haven't read nearly as many books as I had hoped, but that's what happens when you work a full time job, I suppose.

Anyway, faithful reader, I just wanted to let you in a little more about my life as I've been trying to process a lot of what has been going on with me. (Whoa, that makes it sound way more dramatic than it actually is...But, then again, I am a slightly (okay, fairly) dramatic person, so ya know...) When I post in my blog, I usually write for myself and put it out there for people to read if A) they can find it or B) if I want to share experiences for people as a way to not feel so alone. (I don't mean "alone" in a negative sense that shames someone for fighting their own battles or struggling with loneliness. Instead, I want people to laugh, roll their eyes, or RELATE to someone.)

As I attempt to write this, I find myself struggling for the words as I try to explain what has been going on in my life. However, the only simple description that I have for you is: drowning. Drowning in stress, anxieties, doubts, fears, anger, time, and everything in between. I can't seem to keep my head above water without having a new wave of some sort of issue wash over me. This drowning is different from the type that I have experienced in the past; this is a new type that often leads me paralyzed than anything else.

I find myself shutting down more and more (a result of feeling like I'm drowning in worries). I become so focused on the worries and issues at hand, that I can't seem to focus on the other things around me. Especially, the GOOD things that are around or the positive things. I find myself becoming hardened and bitter because I'm sick of this constant sense of drowning. It won't shake off and only seems to magnify instead.

Every time I feel that I have found some sort of footing or that things are slowly being fixed, another wave crashes into me and knocks me down. I'm then forced to figure out and deal with the issues at hand while somehow maintaining my cool. Recently (well, within the last few months), I've been playing around with the idea of studying education and religion when I return back to college in the fall. I kept this idea fairly private and only shared it with a handful of people because I wanted to wait until I felt that it was confident. However, I have now began to question this idea and am now struggling with the possibility of me being a teacher. As one can imagine, this has been a huge source of the sense of drowning and is a wave that constantly crashes into me. It stirs up all of these ideas of fear and doubt that lead me to a constant feeling of drowning.

I apologize if this post is super choppy and all over the board (unfortunately (although not unsurprisingly)), this is a common theme I feel like in my posts). I desperately wish that I was a more talented writer and that I could describe everything to you the way that I imagine...We all have talents in our lives, mine does not include writing.

And to add a final point to this entry, I just wanted to say that I know that it will get better and that my lifeguard isn't far away. This sense of drowning is only temporary and that there is a beautiful, peaceful day ahead. I can't let this feeling of drowning keep me down because I have to be okay knowing that it will all work out. I just need to keep my head up (literally).

If any of you readers are feeling the same way that I am, know that I'm in the same boat as you (oh man, I just made myself laugh. Guys, I really hope that all of you appreciate my humor as much as I do because that was fantastic.), we just can't lose faith. Sending good vibes to all of you!

Love,

Katie