Life Update

Dear lovely readers,

I'M BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK! Did you miss me?!?! Let me answer that for you: Absolutely! (Just kidding, I literally have no idea if you missed me or not, but I'm going to pretend that you did because if you didn't, then you wouldn't be reading this.) I'm not going to lie, I for sure thought that I hadn't posted since last summer so I'm a little impressed that I posted in November. (Especially since I have a bunch of unfinished drafts...Oops.)

I'm not really sure where to begin. I finished my third year of college (scary, but yay!) and that has been a crazy year. In a lot of ways, it was extremely exhausting (emotionally, mentally, physically, academically, etc.), but I would love to go back--just for a few days. I met a lot of wonderful people and built incredible relationships that I hope stick with me for a long time. My classes were demanding and I had a lot of outside requirements/expectations that took up a lot of my very limited free time. I worked a lot, but it never felt like enough...Long story short: I'm glad that year is behind me, but I do miss parts of it.

As for the summer, I'm back at home and working a lot. It is a balancing act as I try to juggle everything: work, see friends, clean, prepare for the upcoming school year, read, work, spend time with my family, work, enjoy the nice weather, exercise, work, etc. Some days are better than others, but I'm trying to do the best that I can. I still wish that there was more time in a day, but what can you do?

In my (limited) free time (but still way more than the school year), I exercise and enjoy being outside whenever I can. I still love to sit outside and read (I haven't read a really good book this summer. Ugh! Don't get me wrong, I've read a lot of books, but nothing that just makes me hold the book to my chest and just sign happily.). I go on a lot of nice walks and have had an opportunity to go explore new paths in the area. It has been really nice to go on adventures with friends and catch up with them. I also have really gotten into cooking (okay, I use that term very loosely...I just like to cook). I like taking recipes and making them healthy or actually try the Pinterest recipes that I've had pinned for a long time. (Fun fact for all of you: I don't like to follow recipes. I don't like to be bossed around by them. I know that it defeats the purpose (especially because a lot of the recipes have been perfected and whatnot), but I just use them more as guidance. I'm trying to be more consistent and actually follow the recipes, but it's a work in progress.)

Well. I'm not really sure what else to say without this post going absolutely nowhere. I'll try to post something a little more in-depth and actually give you more information about the exciting life of Katie. Until then, lovely reader, have a happy day!

Love,

Katie

Torn in Two

Happy day, readers! 

I can't believe that we are approaching the end November. Thanksgiving was yesterday and I am beyond stuffed! (I really want to make a joke about stuffing, but my brain is a form of goo (You know, at this point, I may as well accept that my brain will forever be goo).) And working Black Friday was super fun! (Just kidding. It actually wasn't awful, but it was not a lot of fun either.) 

Anyway, I am not here to bore you with stories of Black Friday or stand a soap box and tell you how ridiculous it is that stores are open on Thanksgiving or that people need to be kinder to employees. When I was leaving for break the other day, I was reminded how torn I am. It feels like I live 2 different lives at times and that I am struggling to keep them together. When I was throwing things into my duffel bag (and yes, dear reader, I do mean throwing. There was absolutely nothing graceful about this.) something felt off. Like, I did not have the usual desire to go home. Break appeared out of nowhere it felt like. Maybe it was because I had just seen my family less than 2 weeks before (they came for my birthday) or that I have been so incredibly busy that I had not allowed myself to think about it or that I live/babysit/am in charge of 28 freshmen girls and have grown up a lot. The point is that I realized that something felt off. 

When I am at school, I wear so many different hats and have such a solid friend group that makes everything about a million times better. It is so cliche to say it, but I have my own life at college. I am proud of that part of my life because I did so much of it on my own. I did not have anyone I knew to help me adjust to college and I was alone in so many ways. (Granted I did meet a lot of people and made a lot of great friends and met a lot of wonderful professors who helped make the transition easier.) I have a job that I love and experiences in practicums that reaffirm my dream to be apart of something bigger than yourself. Then there are moments that I feel myself drowning in the stress or thinking of the insane amount of work that I have to do.

When I am at home, I feel like I miss out on so much. I miss my family like crazy (maybe a little less, maybe a little more depending on the day). I love my home, city, history, everything! I love my roots. And a lot of the time, I feel like I need to fix things when I come home. (Something that drives my siblings crazy.) I want to help my parents not be stressed out. I want to spend time with my siblings (even though they can make me laugh and make me want to punch them in the face within seconds). I want to take care of my grandparents (both sets) and enjoy spending time with them. I am repeatedly reminded, though, that things will never be how they were. While I still have a room of my own, it is just a room. 

In some ways, I feel like 2 different people. I sometimes look in the mirror and wonder who I will be. Maybe that is the part of growing up. I don't really know. I have 2 lives that I love equally and feel like I get to live them both. Isn't that crazy? I mean, how lucky am I to have this dilemma? Like most of my blog entries, this seemed like a brilliant idea before I started writing. And, like most of my entries, we have struggled to find the right words. I cannot seem to say the right things or know how to describe them the way I want.

I hope you all have a nice break or rest of your day--whichever seems more appropriate! 

Love, 

Katie

It Is Okay To Be Selfish

Happy Wednesday!

I want to apologize for not posting earlier. I did not forgot you, lovely readers! (I mean, how could I?! Who else do I write for?! (Just kidding, don't answer that. The answer is I write for myself, but all of you amazing (and possible non-existent) readers get an opportunity to be inside my mind for a few minutes.)) At this point, though, I am sure you are accustomed to my random posts that are usually unrelated to anything. BUT! I feel like I need to educate you all (just kidding) on different topics and give you my perspective,

I do have a lot of half-started entries from over the summer or into the school year, but they need a little more work. (Oh, by the way, I am back at school. Yay! Well, kind of yay. A complicated yay. Once again, my life is a little complicated and crazy.) Today, however, I want to inform you all of a new mindset that I have recently developed. It is about being selfish.

Now before I get too into anything, I want to let you all know that I work very hard to be selfless. A lot of people know this about me. I will do anything in my power to make sure that others are happy before I do anything for myself. Maybe it is my inner people pleaser, or the fact that my parents raised me to put others before myself, but nonetheless I do not like to treat myself. It does not matter what it is, but if it involves putting myself first, I usually avoid it. Sometimes I take this to the extreme and end up hurting others because of my determination to be selfless. I just want to help others before I give any attention to myself. I want to make an impact on someone--anyone--and will go out of my way to make sure that they feel taken care of or loved or anything.

This year, I am a RA for a freshmen dorm. That is an adventure, to say the least. I joked with my Hall Director that there has to be something in the water on my floor because it is always a hot mess with new drama. Don't get me wrong, I love the girls on my floor. If my door is open, it is not uncommon for at least one of them to have made themselves comfortable on my futon. I really am enjoying my time as a RA and embrace the chaos that is my floor.

I also feel like I am constantly busy with (often unnecessary) meetings, assignments, or practicums and find myself running around way too much (and usually am late to a lot of it). I am pulled in about a thousand directions and feel a little overwhelmed at times as I stare at my crazy busy planner and wonder when the heck I am going to be able to sit down and rest! I feel so guilty when I have a few seconds to myself and feel like someone else needs me or that I am forgetting something important. I am on edge too much and worry that I am letting someone down. I feel like I wear so many different hats: Katie the RA, Katie the student, Katie the girlfriend, Katie the future teacher, Katie the captain, Katie the encourager, etc. It's a lot.

I have learned that it is okay to be selfish and not do everything. It is okay for me to go on a run in the morning and leave my phone behind--whomever needs me can wait half an hour. It is okay for me to go to my friends' dorm and hang out with them instead of be in my room all the time. It is okay for me to lock my door and go to sleep if I'm tired. I have learned to put myself first (in some aspects) and do what I have to do for me.

There are still a lot of moments when I put others before myself and give them the attention and love that they need. I don't think that will ever change. If someone says they need something, I will go out of my way to find a way to help them. I will be the shoulder to cry on or an ear to listen, but I am learning to step back and know that they will be okay and that sometimes people need to do stuff on their own.

It is a work in progress and I know that I have a lot of work to do, but I am trying to do stuff for me. Sometimes I feel bad, but other times I feel a sense of relief. I keep telling myself (and others) that it's okay to be selfish and do stuff for ourselves.

Love,

Katie

Summer

ATTENTION READERS! 

Have no fear, I am back! First off, let me apologize for not posting sooner. My summer has gone by so quickly and there are some days where I barely get any time for myself. When I do, I usually am sitting outside with a book, watching a movie, or sleeping. (It's a pretty exciting life, let me tell you.) 

As I'm sure you figured out (and are probably not surprised by), my summer has been busy. I was home for about a week after classes ended before I went on a five day trip with friends from school to the Black Hills in South Dakota. We had an absolutely wonderful time together and it was the perfect way to start off the summer. We saw basically everything that you can in Rapid City and made the most of our trip! It was so much fun to be with everyone on a road trip and I am just reminded how crazy lucky I am to have such amazing friends. Even with the bumps in the plan (getting stuck in traffic at 5 in the morning, a gloomy day ruining our kayaking, or figuring out appropriate sleeping arrangements) we all had a really great time! Next year we may go to New Orleans for a week or so and that would be a blast! I can't wait! 

Right before I left for the Black Hills, though, my grandma was in the ER. My aunt asked if I would be able to help take my grandma to her doctor's appointment and I agreed, assuming that it was only going to be a few hours in the morning. However, that was not the case as they begun to run tests on her. (Now, I need to take a step back here for a few reasons. First of all, I hate hospitals, doctors, needles, blood, really anything in that general area. So I was really uncomfortable being in the hospital because it makes me so anxious and I have been told that I tend to become very pale in hospital settings. Second of all, I don't want to bore you with all of the medical stuff because I don't know enough and I don't want to confuse anyone. Third of all, her doctor struck a chord with me and my aunt (who also came to the doctor's appointment) and the more I reflect back on him, makes me furious because I personally don't think that he knew what he was talking about and what he did tell us resulted in unnecessary panic attacks. She switched doctors, to say the least.) Grandma moved from her doctor's office to the ER to the ICU and we were at the hospital for 10 hours that day. My grandma stayed there for the next two weeks (I may be wrong about that, but it was a long time) and then she was moved to a rehab center for the next month. She has come since then and is making progress every day, but there are still obstacles. My grandpa isn't as much help as we need him to be, but some days he surprises us. We are all doing the best that we can to help them out, but there's a lot going on with them and everyone is getting worn down. (Please don't get me, I love my grandparents. I love them so very much and they have shaped me into the person I am today. Watching them struggle or not comprehend stuff is hard and it takes a toll. I just try to keep my head up and let them know how much I adore them and how thankful I am that they are a big part of my life.) 

In addition to helping out with my grandparents, I also am working a lot. I nanny during the day and then go work retail in the evenings (working about 50 hours a week). Some days are better than others, to say the least. There are days when the kiddos definitely give me a run for my money and I am very happy to be done for the day, but there are some days where I feel like I blink and it's time for me to go home. Unfortunately this means that I am hardly home, but I try my best to see my family when I can. 

I have also started running two miles a day and usually going on long walks, too. I have recently realized how important it is to exercise and how much better I feel when I go run! It honestly clears my head up and I feel so much better when I come back. I mean, there are moments when my alarm goes off and I groan, but I do it anyway. I'm not really sure why I started running, but I like to tell myself that it's good for me. (Remember, I've never been an athlete or a strong runner, so this is a big deal.) 

Oh my goodness, I'm sure that I have probably just put all of you asleep by now as you're reading my ranting or rambling. Believe me, this was not how my post was supposed to go! Oh well, I guess. On the bright side, I have read a lot of books this summer. Some of them have been AMAZING and some of them have been bleh. I'm currently looking for another book to read, so any suggestions would be appreciated. (By the way, I usually read a book every two days or so. So that kind of explains why I am in need of new stuff.) 

I hope all of you are having nice summers! Go outside and enjoy the beautiful weather (unless it is as humid as it is here, then go hide)! 

Love, 

Katie 

Where Did the Time Go?

Happy day, readers! 

First of all,  I want to apologize for not updating nearly as frequently as I would like. My life gets busy, classes become demanding, and I have to make priorities. But have no fear! I am running away from my problems (and pile of homework) to write to all of you. Don't worry, faithful readers, I am here to let you know all about my life! 

I have less than eight days until I go home for the summer. Where did my time go? It is so bizarre to me that I am almost done with my sophomore year. Last year around this time I couldn't wait to get our of college and go home for the summer. I counted down the days and desperately wanted to go home. This year I am amazed at how crazy fast it has gone. 

It hasn't been an easy year and there have been moments where I go to sleep early just to run away, but it has been really good. Moments all start to run together and I just can't believe that they all happened only this year. I feel like I have been an education major forever, that I donated my hair just yesterday (it was almost a month ago and I chopped off ten inches), that we have been counting (and taunting) our steps for months. It is so crazy to me that these moments all happened in a year. 

I feel like my time is running out with them and I try to make the most of it while I can. Sometimes I say screw it to my homework in order to go on a late night ice cream run with friends or I stay up way too late watching a movie knowing very well that I have to be up early the next morning. These are the moments that I try to make the most out of. 

When I came to college I looked at it as a four year agreement. I would come to school four hours away from my family to get an education. I would get in and get out. Sure it would a great time, but never like this. I never imagined that it would be like this. That I would fall in love with my school as much as I did. To find friends that I can't help but wonder where I would be without them. That I would have some the smartest, most genuine professors who take the time to get to know me and my life! To have an international roommate that I adore (even if she is going to write a book one day about living with me for the semester). 

Don't get me wrong: I am so excited to go home. I miss my family and my friends. I want to be able to go back to the best state ever and continue to work retail and actually drive around instead of walking or asking friends for rides. But I'm not ready either. I'm not ready to say goodbyes or to pack up and leave for the summer. I'm not ready be a junior in college. I'm not ready for the rest of my life to take off yet. 

I'm only 20 and I do have my entire life ahead of me. I am excited fro what will happen, but I am also scared for what the future holds. I'm still stunned that this year flew and can't fully wrap my head around it. So I decided to do what I do best: find some inspiration!

Have a great day, friends. And remember: enjoy this moment because it won't last forever.

Love, 

Katie 

 

Lost

Dear readers, 

Long time, no blog. It's been a rough few weeks, but in a different way. I can't quite put my finger on it, but something has really been bothering me lately. Maybe it's the emotions that I've bottled up for months and now finally have to face. Maybe it's cabin fever and the fact that I so desperately want the sun. Maybe it's the fact that change is coming. All I know is that I feel so very lost right now. 

It all really started when I went home for Spring Break. I was so excited to go home and see my family and friends, but that also had its own obstacles. My brother (jokingly) likes to tell me that I am a guest in our home because I attend school out of state. We argue back and forth about that constantly as he makes little comments about my home being in South Dakota. It's all in fun and I know my brother says it just to get under my skin, but there were moments where I didn't know where my home is...

I'm in a weird state of mind where I attend school 4 hours away and spend 8 months out of the year there, but I don't want to call it home. As much as I love my college (and I do, A LOT), it is not home for me. It is just a place that I attend to further my education. But home doesn't necessarily feel like home all the times either...Sometimes I feel like a guest who has overstayed their welcome. (Silly, right?) It just leaves me torn and wondering where my home really is...

So, that's really the start of it. Well, not really. I've been feeling off recently and have not been able to pin down what it was until now. I am very lost and trying to (somehow) figure things out. 

I have been thinking a lot about the person I was (yesterday, last week, last year, etc.) and the person I am today. The problem is that I don't really know WHO I am now...I used to plan every single minute of my life, know what I wanted to do 5 years down the road, always knew the right things to say and when, would never admit my flaws, etc. Now, I feel like a hot mess. Laugh when my life falls apart, plans (very unsuccessfully, I may add), puts my foot in my mouth religiously, curses like a sailor, and about a thousand other things. I'm not really sure who I am or who I want to be. 

I have started to reflect on my character and I'm not super thrilled with who I see. For example, I used to think that I was really friendly and easy to get along with. Recently, though, I started to think that it is not the case as I feel distant from people and somewhat unapproachable. I remember a friend telling me that I tend to believe that I know better than other people and often make decisions based on that. (Now, I just need to clarify here: I do not know what is best for others. Sure, I sometimes assume that I know better than them and will make a decision based on what I believe will benefit them the most. Honestly, I really want to help someone and that is the main reason why I make the decisions I do. That being said, I can understand why someone would say that I make decisions for others. I can't stand when someone makes my decisions for me (or tells me what to do, but that's another story all together. Bottom line: don't tell me what I can or cannot do unless I ask for your advice.).) So I kind of feel that some people assume that I hold myself higher than them. 

In addition to that, I've always been a jealous person (it's more that I'm really protective of stuff), but it's gotten ridiculous recently! Little things start to eat at me and I just get really jealous. I can be something stupid, like someone copying a hairstyle of mine, or watching others spend time with a close friend. It is so silly and I want to blame it on PMS or something, but I don't know. I just yell at myself: JEALOUSLY IS NOT ATTRACTIVE, KATHERINE! So that's been super fun and awesome.  

As you all know, I love planning. Recently, thought, every time I try to do something with the best intentions, it ends up blowing up in my face. It feels like no matter what I do, it will go wrong. I just lost it the other day because I was so upset and discouraged that I felt like a failure. And I really mean that EVERYTHING I tried to do, fell apart before my very eyes. (It all really fell apart when my friends came to spend a weekend with me for Spring Break...I had it all planned out well and then it all backfired on me and I looked like a massive idiot. Just thinking about all of the issues that arose makes me want to curl up and hide for days. Ugh!) 

Then there's the mixed feelings with my major...I don't really know if I want to be a teacher. I don't know if I have the passion that others have for it. I feel like something is really missing. When my friends talk about teaching, their eyes light up and they get so excited. I just sit back and wish I could have the same feelings. My professors tell me that I will make a great teacher and they are so excited for my future students. I don't really know what I'm doing or where I'm going. I don't know if I want to be a teacher or if I just declared a major because I was running out of time. I don't know what I'm going to do with my life. 

And I'm running a lot. I mean, I've been running 2 miles 5 days a week since January and it's going really well! But I've started running 4 or 5 (and I'm so NOT a runner either). Maybe I'm subconsciously running towards something or running away from something. I don't really know. 

Anyway, back to being lost. See, faithful readers? Hopefully you were able to get some insight into why I have been feeling so lost. Any good vibes would be greatly appreciated. 

Hope you all have a great week! 

Love, 

Katie 

You Are Loved

Dear faithful readers,

Today was a tough day and I'm trying to find the words to express my thoughts. I've had a few hours to process everything and my thoughts have slowed down, but there's a part of me that still feels empty and confused.

I found out that a close friend of mine (an even closer friend to my brother) attempted suicide this past week. Even writing this makes my stomach churn and I feel tears beginning to sting. I don't want to go into detail (and I won't because it is not my information to tell), but it makes my heart hurt. This was his second attempt (that I know of) and I'm thanking God that he was found before he followed through. I desperately want to hug him and hold him close and remind him how loved he is.

This year I've had more friends tell me that they have depression or that their anxiety is out of control. I've read their texts or Facebook posts as cries for help. I feel absolutely helpless and I want to make it better, but I don't know how. I find myself Googling "how to talk to someone with depression" or "how to help someone who is suicidal" or "suicide warning signs". I keep telling myself that this doesn't change anything and that our relationship is still the same, but there's a part of me that is hesitant and I become more watchful. It's the protective side in me that makes me worry about them and want to take their burden, but I know it's not possible.

I'm watching someone that I love take on this battle and I want to scream. I want to grab their demon by its collar, slam it into the wall, and look it in the eyes as I tell it, "Come at me. I dare you." (I know that this is probably a funny visual for you to think about, but that's how I view suicide: a demon. A demon that I have fought before. A demon that nearly won. A demon that I am not afraid of anymore.) I want to take on this fight for them and let this demon know that they will not succeed. I want to yell for it to back off and come back for me instead.

Last year when one of my high school classmates committed suicide I remember trying to make sense of what happened. I'm not sure how much I told all of you about my own battles with depression/suicide, but they happened. There was a time when I wanted to give in and couldn't do it anymore, but somehowI overcame it. It wasn't nearly as serious as I'm making it out to be, but it was a concern. And every day I am reminded about why I am still here and I think about the impact that it would have made on so many people that I love. My demons are still in the back of my head, but they are behind a locked door and I hardly ever hear them.

My brother was the one that mentioned that our friend was in the hospital. At first he told me that they weren't hanging out today and I assumed that he bailed on my brother (they recently experienced a bump in their friendship and I assumed that things were still a little tense between them), but he said that he was back in the hospital and didn't know why. My mother was the one who told me what was going on. She didn't say suicide, but I didn't need her to put the pieces together for me. She made the comment that it must not have been planned for very long because they had plans today, but I was the one who told her that people carry on with their normal lives and don't act any different. They make plans so things seem normal and  no one will suspect anything. This is what this demon does.

As we've established through previous blogs, I'm emotional and I cry probably more than I should, but I tried to keep it together. My mom was the one who choked up and struggled for the words as she told me that she didn't know how to tell my brother what was really happening. I met our friend during my senior year of high school in a random elective. The class was filled with a bunch of my friends and I and a fair amount of underclassmen. He is a year older than my brother, but the moment I met him, I knew that they were going to become best friends. We got along well, but my brother and him got along better. Soon I was texting his mom and our families developed a strong friendship. We often refer to them as just another extension of our family.

Learning about what he was going through shook me and everyone that knew about it. I thought back to my own struggles and I want to get rid of this demon. Not just for him, but for everyone. I want to tell it to come back for me instead because I've faced it before and I will do it again. (My dad told me that I have this belief that I think I'm tougher than I actually am, but I know that it's different for this.) I don't want him or anyone to face this demon every again. I want it gone.I'm so thankful that he is going to be okay and I am honestly thanking God for being there, but it is still so scary when I think about it.

So, friends, remember that you are loved. Please read that again and again. Tell everyone you know that they are all loved. And, please, if you need help, get it. There are resources available.

Love,

Katie