Goodbyes

Hello all!

It is that time of the year when the school year is coming to an end and goodbyes are approaching as summer rolls around. As we exchange goodbyes with our friends, we make promises to keep in touch over the summer and look forward to reuniting in the fall. For me (I'm sure it's similar to a lot of you), goodbyes are always really hard. They're bittersweet, to say the least.

For me, goodbyes are one of those things that make my heart stop and I feel myself become sick. Maybe it's the planner in me that freaks out because this was not part of the plan, or it's my irrational fear of change (unless I am the one who starts it, of course), or maybe it's simply my anxiety. I don't know. Either way I always feel like someone punched me in the gut.

There are two types of goodbyes: the one who says it and the one who receives it. Neither position is fun...When the person says goodbye, it's because they need to do what's best for them. Not because they want to hurt someone they care about, but because they need to focus on them and make the best decision for them. And sometimes that sucks (okay, a lot of the time that sucks). When I do this, I usually feel selfish because I know that I'm really hurting someone (or a lot of people) I deeply care about. And I constantly need to remind myself that I need to do this for ME. The decision that I'm making and all of the goodbyes that I'll need to say, are because I need to be selfish and focus on me. (Easier said than done, trust me.)

On the other hand, there are the goodbyes that receive, which are equally hard. It's usually unexpected or you've known about it for a while and it literally eats you away. You try to figure out a solution to make the person stay or avoid the goodbye for as long as you can until you can't. When this happens for me, I try to justify it. I try to understand how or why someone is choosing this decision or why they want to say goodbye. I find myself struggling with accepting it and this sense that I did something that would make them want to leave. I know that's not the case, but it doesn't ease the pain.

Goodbyes are always the hardest when I don't know when I'll see someone next. And even then, if you tell me that we'll be reunited in one month, two months, three months, I still find myself panicking. There's a part of me that feels like that's too long of a time without seeing someone I deeply care about (I get EXTREMELY protective of people who I care about) and that in a weird sense, I'm turning my back on them.

I usually try to avoid goodbyes for as long as humanly possible (Don't do what I do, people. It's not nearly as beneficial as you think.). I know that the minute I accept that I am going to say goodbye or I am going to receive a goodbye, it makes it more real to me. It's at that moment that I learn that this part in my life is closing and that the path with someone I care so much about it splitting. And somehow, I need to be okay with it. (And because I'm me, I get overly emotional. So I usually start crying because that's what I do in those situations.)

It's also really hard to be happy for a person who you have to say goodbye to. The decision that they're making (the one that means you have to say goodbye) is one that you have to support. They're doing what's best for them and as upset, hurt, and angry as you are, you know that you have to be happy for them because this goodbye isn't easy on them either. They have to do what's right for them, even if that means saying goodbye.

And now as I mentally prepare myself to say goodbye to two of the most influential and supportive women who have walked with me for over a quarter of my life, I need to remind myself repeatedly that I now have to be supportive of their decisions and that these "goodbyes" are simply "see you soon."

Love,

Katie