I hope that all of you are enjoying your summers so far! This Minnesota weather is always so iffy, but we've had a handful of absolutely perfect days. After a very long and stressful last month of my freshman year of college, it's very nice to be back home and relax. I hope all of you are having an enjoyable summer as well. I apologize for not posting sooner. I have about 4 different posts that are only half finished, but I really wanted to finally post something...
Lately I've been thinking a lot about "what if"...What if I chose to stay in Minnesota to go to school instead of going out of state? What if I was more outgoing and less awkward? What if my fears didn't paralyze me the way they do now? What if I would have played a serious sport and continued it when I was younger? What if I had put more time into one activity verses another? What if I saw this person (or people) more? What if I chose to reach out to so many people I thought about constantly? What if...
I can't really explain this feeling of "what if" that has come over me. It's been something that has been in the back of my mind recently and I can't seem to shake it. I don't want this to come off like I have any regrets or that I'm angry about how my life has turned out, because that's not the case. I'm so blessed to have this incredible life filled with amazing people who love and care about me and have so many outstanding opportunities. But there is a part of me that wonders "what if"...
I think the big reason why I have all of these "what if"s are because I've met people who have crossed my path-people I have known my entire life-and I now have realized how incredible they are and how much I wish that I would have known them better or spent more time with them to realize how uniquely wonderful they truly are. Some of these people are family while others are (family) friends, and all it takes are small conversations with them for me to wonder what it would've been like if things had been different.
I recently went to a graduation party for a family friend (I've known him since the day he was born) and although I see him once or twice a year, we haven't had a REAL conversation that lasted more than a few minutes in forever. And at his party, we were talking and laughing for a good chunk of time and I wondered what our friendship would be like if he would have talked more or if I would have seen him (and his family) more. I then began to wonder more about the missed relationships that I've had with people I've known my entire life and it creates a curiosity as well as a slight pain in my chest.
Since then, "what if"s are all that I have been able to think about. I analyze situations and wonder what would have happened if BLANK happened instead. Or what if I was BLANK instead of what I am. They've been swirling around in my head and I can't help but wonder how my life would have been different. How I would have been different. (Again, I am NOT upset about how my life turned out or how it is going. I'm so thankful and so blessed for my life and for the people who I HAVE built strong relationships with, but I'm curious and that is perhaps the most dangerous of all.)
Some days are worse than others because I think about it WAY more than I should. This often leads to me becoming way too critical of myself and, in a weird way, making me feel bad for who I am. Which, by the way, is totally not okay. (I've been working on giving myself some credit for who I am and remembering that I am flawed, but I am loved nonetheless. Easier said than done, though.)
I know I shouldn't be giving these "what if"s my attention (I have other things that I need to give my attention to (like reading the Harry Potter books (No, I have not read them. Ever. No, I do not want to talk about it.))). But they're still in the back of my mind and I can't help but ponder them...
I'm once again proving that I'm not an awesome writer because I can't seem to find the words to explain my feelings. Again. But I'll figure out what I want to say (and how to say it) and it'll rock! That day, however, is not today. Anyway, best of luck to all of you on your Monday! Good luck!
Love,
Katie
I recently went to a graduation party for a family friend (I've known him since the day he was born) and although I see him once or twice a year, we haven't had a REAL conversation that lasted more than a few minutes in forever. And at his party, we were talking and laughing for a good chunk of time and I wondered what our friendship would be like if he would have talked more or if I would have seen him (and his family) more. I then began to wonder more about the missed relationships that I've had with people I've known my entire life and it creates a curiosity as well as a slight pain in my chest.
Since then, "what if"s are all that I have been able to think about. I analyze situations and wonder what would have happened if BLANK happened instead. Or what if I was BLANK instead of what I am. They've been swirling around in my head and I can't help but wonder how my life would have been different. How I would have been different. (Again, I am NOT upset about how my life turned out or how it is going. I'm so thankful and so blessed for my life and for the people who I HAVE built strong relationships with, but I'm curious and that is perhaps the most dangerous of all.)
Some days are worse than others because I think about it WAY more than I should. This often leads to me becoming way too critical of myself and, in a weird way, making me feel bad for who I am. Which, by the way, is totally not okay. (I've been working on giving myself some credit for who I am and remembering that I am flawed, but I am loved nonetheless. Easier said than done, though.)
I know I shouldn't be giving these "what if"s my attention (I have other things that I need to give my attention to (like reading the Harry Potter books (No, I have not read them. Ever. No, I do not want to talk about it.))). But they're still in the back of my mind and I can't help but ponder them...
I'm once again proving that I'm not an awesome writer because I can't seem to find the words to explain my feelings. Again. But I'll figure out what I want to say (and how to say it) and it'll rock! That day, however, is not today. Anyway, best of luck to all of you on your Monday! Good luck!
Love,
Katie
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