How Are Things Going?

Hello all!

Happy day to all of you beautiful (and probably imaginary) people! I hope that all of you have an absolutely lovely day filled with everything that you could hope for and more. It was snowing today and looked like we're living in a giant snow-globe! It was so pretty! (Even if I couldn't see, like, ten feet in front of me.) I invite you all to take a step back from the craziness of your life, put your phone down for a minutes, and just appreciate the world around you. I often find myself so caught up in my busy life that I forget to look beyond myself. It’s something that I have been thinking a lot about recently and I encourage you all to do the same. Realize how minuscule so many problems are in the big picture and simply enjoy the life that you have!

Sorry about that off topic intro, friends. Not sure where that rant came from, but you all should be used to it by now. Anyway, I’ve been thinking a lot about a realization that I’ve had recently (well, actually, it was more like a characteristic that I just noticed): I don’t do well when people ask how I’m doing. I know that’s so silly to think about, but I had the realization that I tend to clamp up when someone asks how things are going. My instant response is, “Yeah! Things are going great!” Even if they’re not. I put on my best smile and give them the upbeat response that they expect to hear.

It’s less about what the answer, but more about the question itself. I don’t like people to worry about me. I don’t want people to worry about me. I am the one who worries about other people and checks in on them, I get uncomfortable when people do the same for me. I don't like the attention I get from people or when they go out of their way to make sure I'm okay. I feel like people are looking at me differently.

I mean, I'm Katie! I'm supposed to have my life together (well, relatively, of course)! I'm supposed to be upbeat and positive all the time! I always offer words of encouragement or say a dorky inspirational quote. I'm the one who makes sure that everyone is okay, not the other way around. So when people ask, "How are thing going?" I always lie.

I had a close friend pull me aside the other day and ask how I was doing and I felt my face flush, my heart pound into my chest, my mouth became dry, and everything in my body scream, "Fine! I'm doing great!" I wish I could describe this feeling, but I can't find the words. In a sense, it's like a terror that they will see through me. I desperately want to change the topic as fast as possible and want to talk about something else. It's like I can't breathe until we are no longer talking about how I'm doing.

There are some people who I will be honest with and tell them when I'm not doing okay, but I usually keep it to myself. There are so many other people in the world, so many other issues that need attention, there is so much more out there than me and my current mood. I'm not a selfish person, but I feel like I do become self-centered and shallow when people ask how I'm doing. (I have a handful of very twisted ideas (time, selfishness, etc.) and it's hard for me to accept that I'm not a bad person when I choose not to follow my traditional beliefs. It's so complicated and messy, so I will explain my twisted ideas in another post...)

*Phew* I feel better. Thanks for listening, all. I'll work on telling people the truth when they ask how I'm doing. (It'll take some time, but I'll try.)

Enjoy the rest of your day!

Love,

Katie