I can't believe that we are approaching the end November. Thanksgiving was yesterday and I am beyond stuffed! (I really want to make a joke about stuffing, but my brain is a form of goo (You know, at this point, I may as well accept that my brain will forever be goo).) And working Black Friday was super fun! (Just kidding. It actually wasn't awful, but it was not a lot of fun either.)
Anyway, I am not here to bore you with stories of Black Friday or stand a soap box and tell you how ridiculous it is that stores are open on Thanksgiving or that people need to be kinder to employees. When I was leaving for break the other day, I was reminded how torn I am. It feels like I live 2 different lives at times and that I am struggling to keep them together. When I was throwing things into my duffel bag (and yes, dear reader, I do mean throwing. There was absolutely nothing graceful about this.) something felt off. Like, I did not have the usual desire to go home. Break appeared out of nowhere it felt like. Maybe it was because I had just seen my family less than 2 weeks before (they came for my birthday) or that I have been so incredibly busy that I had not allowed myself to think about it or that I live/babysit/am in charge of 28 freshmen girls and have grown up a lot. The point is that I realized that something felt off.
When I am at school, I wear so many different hats and have such a solid friend group that makes everything about a million times better. It is so cliche to say it, but I have my own life at college. I am proud of that part of my life because I did so much of it on my own. I did not have anyone I knew to help me adjust to college and I was alone in so many ways. (Granted I did meet a lot of people and made a lot of great friends and met a lot of wonderful professors who helped make the transition easier.) I have a job that I love and experiences in practicums that reaffirm my dream to be apart of something bigger than yourself. Then there are moments that I feel myself drowning in the stress or thinking of the insane amount of work that I have to do.
When I am at home, I feel like I miss out on so much. I miss my family like crazy (maybe a little less, maybe a little more depending on the day). I love my home, city, history, everything! I love my roots. And a lot of the time, I feel like I need to fix things when I come home. (Something that drives my siblings crazy.) I want to help my parents not be stressed out. I want to spend time with my siblings (even though they can make me laugh and make me want to punch them in the face within seconds). I want to take care of my grandparents (both sets) and enjoy spending time with them. I am repeatedly reminded, though, that things will never be how they were. While I still have a room of my own, it is just a room.
In some ways, I feel like 2 different people. I sometimes look in the mirror and wonder who I will be. Maybe that is the part of growing up. I don't really know. I have 2 lives that I love equally and feel like I get to live them both. Isn't that crazy? I mean, how lucky am I to have this dilemma? Like most of my blog entries, this seemed like a brilliant idea before I started writing. And, like most of my entries, we have struggled to find the right words. I cannot seem to say the right things or know how to describe them the way I want.
I hope you all have a nice break or rest of your day--whichever seems more appropriate!
Love,
Katie
