Happy Wednesday!
I want to apologize for not posting earlier. I did not forgot you, lovely readers! (I mean, how could I?! Who else do I write for?! (Just kidding, don't answer that. The answer is I write for myself, but all of you amazing (and possible non-existent) readers get an opportunity to be inside my mind for a few minutes.)) At this point, though, I am sure you are accustomed to my random posts that are usually unrelated to anything. BUT! I feel like I need to educate you all (just kidding) on different topics and give you my perspective,
I do have a lot of half-started entries from over the summer or into the school year, but they need a little more work. (Oh, by the way, I am back at school. Yay! Well, kind of yay. A complicated yay. Once again, my life is a little complicated and crazy.) Today, however, I want to inform you all of a new mindset that I have recently developed. It is about being selfish.
Now before I get too into anything, I want to let you all know that I work very hard to be selfless. A lot of people know this about me. I will do anything in my power to make sure that others are happy before I do anything for myself. Maybe it is my inner people pleaser, or the fact that my parents raised me to put others before myself, but nonetheless I do not like to treat myself. It does not matter what it is, but if it involves putting myself first, I usually avoid it. Sometimes I take this to the extreme and end up hurting others because of my determination to be selfless. I just want to help others before I give any attention to myself. I want to make an impact on someone--anyone--and will go out of my way to make sure that they feel taken care of or loved or anything.
This year, I am a RA for a freshmen dorm. That is an adventure, to say the least. I joked with my Hall Director that there has to be something in the water on my floor because it is always a hot mess with new drama. Don't get me wrong, I love the girls on my floor. If my door is open, it is not uncommon for at least one of them to have made themselves comfortable on my futon. I really am enjoying my time as a RA and embrace the chaos that is my floor.
I also feel like I am constantly busy with (often unnecessary) meetings, assignments, or practicums and find myself running around way too much (and usually am late to a lot of it). I am pulled in about a thousand directions and feel a little overwhelmed at times as I stare at my crazy busy planner and wonder when the heck I am going to be able to sit down and rest! I feel so guilty when I have a few seconds to myself and feel like someone else needs me or that I am forgetting something important. I am on edge too much and worry that I am letting someone down. I feel like I wear so many different hats: Katie the RA, Katie the student, Katie the girlfriend, Katie the future teacher, Katie the captain, Katie the encourager, etc. It's a lot.
I have learned that it is okay to be selfish and not do everything. It is okay for me to go on a run in the morning and leave my phone behind--whomever needs me can wait half an hour. It is okay for me to go to my friends' dorm and hang out with them instead of be in my room all the time. It is okay for me to lock my door and go to sleep if I'm tired. I have learned to put myself first (in some aspects) and do what I have to do for me.
There are still a lot of moments when I put others before myself and give them the attention and love that they need. I don't think that will ever change. If someone says they need something, I will go out of my way to find a way to help them. I will be the shoulder to cry on or an ear to listen, but I am learning to step back and know that they will be okay and that sometimes people need to do stuff on their own.
It is a work in progress and I know that I have a lot of work to do, but I am trying to do stuff for me. Sometimes I feel bad, but other times I feel a sense of relief. I keep telling myself (and others) that it's okay to be selfish and do stuff for ourselves.
Love,
Katie
