Hello to all of my lovely followers!
I'm so sorry for not updating sooner...Life has gotten, er, complicated and overwhelming. Also, it is summer outside and if you know me fairly well (which I'm assuming all of you do because you read this awesome blog on a somewhat frequent basis), then you know that I'm most likely reading a book outside in the sun. Unfortunately, I haven't read nearly as many books as I had hoped, but that's what happens when you work a full time job, I suppose.
Anyway, faithful reader, I just wanted to let you in a little more about my life as I've been trying to process a lot of what has been going on with me. (Whoa, that makes it sound way more dramatic than it actually is...But, then again, I am a slightly (okay, fairly) dramatic person, so ya know...) When I post in my blog, I usually write for myself and put it out there for people to read if A) they can find it or B) if I want to share experiences for people as a way to not feel so alone. (I don't mean "alone" in a negative sense that shames someone for fighting their own battles or struggling with loneliness. Instead, I want people to laugh, roll their eyes, or RELATE to someone.)
As I attempt to write this, I find myself struggling for the words as I try to explain what has been going on in my life. However, the only simple description that I have for you is: drowning. Drowning in stress, anxieties, doubts, fears, anger, time, and everything in between. I can't seem to keep my head above water without having a new wave of some sort of issue wash over me. This drowning is different from the type that I have experienced in the past; this is a new type that often leads me paralyzed than anything else.
I find myself shutting down more and more (a result of feeling like I'm drowning in worries). I become so focused on the worries and issues at hand, that I can't seem to focus on the other things around me. Especially, the GOOD things that are around or the positive things. I find myself becoming hardened and bitter because I'm sick of this constant sense of drowning. It won't shake off and only seems to magnify instead.
Every time I feel that I have found some sort of footing or that things are slowly being fixed, another wave crashes into me and knocks me down. I'm then forced to figure out and deal with the issues at hand while somehow maintaining my cool. Recently (well, within the last few months), I've been playing around with the idea of studying education and religion when I return back to college in the fall. I kept this idea fairly private and only shared it with a handful of people because I wanted to wait until I felt that it was confident. However, I have now began to question this idea and am now struggling with the possibility of me being a teacher. As one can imagine, this has been a huge source of the sense of drowning and is a wave that constantly crashes into me. It stirs up all of these ideas of fear and doubt that lead me to a constant feeling of drowning.
I apologize if this post is super choppy and all over the board (unfortunately (although not unsurprisingly)), this is a common theme I feel like in my posts). I desperately wish that I was a more talented writer and that I could describe everything to you the way that I imagine...We all have talents in our lives, mine does not include writing.
And to add a final point to this entry, I just wanted to say that I know that it will get better and that my lifeguard isn't far away. This sense of drowning is only temporary and that there is a beautiful, peaceful day ahead. I can't let this feeling of drowning keep me down because I have to be okay knowing that it will all work out. I just need to keep my head up (literally).
If any of you readers are feeling the same way that I am, know that I'm in the same boat as you (oh man, I just made myself laugh. Guys, I really hope that all of you appreciate my humor as much as I do because that was fantastic.), we just can't lose faith. Sending good vibes to all of you!
Love,
Katie
